SAT Essay Explanations

1. An exciting first sentence will be a hook that draws the reader in, making him or her want to read more. This sentence has a jarring quality that makes us curious and engaged. It snaps us to attention immediately.

2. The phrasing of this sentence is a little sloppy. The first phrase is a definite statement, "The first wars were...", but the next phrase brings up another possibility and qualifies with the word "perhaps." This writer could have written the whole sentence in the same tone.

3. The first paragraph should set the stage with the thesis statement, in which the writer answers the prompt question. Overall this paragraph hooks the reader in quite well, makes us curious to see what point the author will bring this too. Towards the end of the paragraph, though, the reader may begin to wonder if the listed reasons why war is fought are relevant. The paragraph seems to end abruptly.
We might expect the thesis sentence here, but it is glaringly absent. While there is no rule as to where the thesis sentence must go, we suggest you answer the prompt question in your introductory paragraph. If you wait, you run the risk of running out of time before you get to it. An essay that does not directly answer the prompt question cannot receive a score higher than 3.

4. Avoid needless self reference. A writer doesn't need to say "I like apples." In fact, it is more powerful to say "Apples are good." The fact that you think it is obvious since you are the one writing. This sentence could be rewritten more powerfully as "Ideally, war would be banished from human affairs."

5. "It is my belief" is simply unnecessary here. The fact that you are writing is evidence that it is your belief. The beginning of this sentence could be rewritten as "However, fighting a war..." Remember, you only have 25 minutes. Make every word count.

6. Keywords, like "however," make your essay smooth and well-organized. Keywords also help you outline to the reader how ideas are related to each other. In this case, "however" lets the reader know that the next idea will contrast with the one before.

7. Finally, here is the thesis! The thesis statement here says that war is justified when freedom or survival is at stake. It could be somewhat cleaner, since those concepts are very broad, but it does satisfy the requirement to answer the prompt question.

8. Use of specific examples strengthens the thesis, and therefore the essay as a whole.

9. Another great use of a key phrase: "for instance." This lets the reader know that the writer is mentioning this in direct support of what he or she has just written.

10. This would have been another great place for a keyword. An also would have fit right in, since this is the second example of a just war.

11. Another example! Great! Multiple examples means multiple power for the thesis. Of course you don't want to just list a bunch of examples. On the contrary, the way that you tie an example in to your thesis is significantly more important than how many examples you have.

12. The phrasing of this sentence is slightly weak. A minor issue, but it can make the difference of a point on the essay grade if you aren't careful. This sentence could be rewritten in such a way that the claim "World War II was a just war" is backed up by the evidence "because the Allies were fighting to stop Hitler from dominating the world."

13. The transition word "but" helps to highlight the change of direction.

14. This sentence starts to clarify the thesis a bit, outlining what types of things are not justified causes of war, but it could have taken the idea a step further. Religious freedom is a pretty narrow area, and the sentence seems non-committal with the phrase "can become unjustified." A stronger and broader indication of the things that violate this writer's sense of "just war" would have given the essay more momentum here.

15. Another place that's begging for a transitional keyword. "For instance" or "for example" could have been used here to highlight the fact that this example supports the change of direction sentence. A transitional phrase would also emphasize the differences between the first two examples and this third one.

16. This sentence is unnecessary. The fact that ethnic prejudice is not the same as fighting for self-rule or survival is obvious. The author should be applauded for use of an example of an unjust war to contrast the just ones, but needs to more carefully express what makes this type of war unjust. Possible ways of expressing this include: "Those who started the war were not trying to protect themselves..." or "...their survival was not threatened, and yet..."

17. This is a weak reference. The author mentions "massacres" but doesn't give us any other information about them. The sentence would be much stronger if it started out, "'Ethnic cleansing' led to..." and then outlined a more specific vision of the horrors that followed.

18. Overall this paragraph is very interesting. It brings up some good points, introduces the idea of a world court, uses specific evidence about the United Nations, and makes a bold proposal for the future. There's only one problem. It has wandered away from the main point and completely ignored the thesis. When you compare this paragraph to the prompt, you see that this last paragraph goes far beyond the scope of the ideas asked about. The prompt simply asks about whether or not war is ever justified, not how to enforce laws concerning war or successfully mediate disputes.
The conclusion paragraph is your chance to draw everything back together, sum up your overall ideas, restate your thesis (which you have now given the audience many reasons to believe), and make a strong impression. This paragraph, while engaging, does only the last of those tasks: It does make a strong impression, and it is well written. It just meanders off in a new direction, away from what should have been the point of the essay. Remember the golden rule of conclusions—never bring up a new idea!

19. Despite the problems with the paragraph, the last sentence ends the essay in a very satisfying manner.

20. What keeps this essay at a 4, despite the author's clear grasp of some logical organization, good sense of style, and good use of supporting details, is the lack of focus, which results in an argument without a strong conclusion. Stay on topic.